If you are a people pleaser then at the core of the issue is that you are addicted to the approval of others . Even if you are not consciously aware of this.
Ultimately that leaves you open to exploitation.
People pleasing means you say “yes” to people’s requests, even when every part of you is screaming “no”, I can’t or don’t want to do that! People pleasing steals away your peace of mind and your sense of personal empowerment.
People pleasers always have low self esteem, a sense of having to validate their own worth by meeting the needs of others. Ultimately it leads to chronic issues, including anxiety, addictions, codependent tendencies, procrastination and even depression.
A people pleaser always meet the needs of others – leaving their needs unmet.
Of course being kind and considerate to others is a good thing – but only when you find the balance between your needs being met and the needs of others. An unhealthy desire to be ‘nice’ is detrimental to your mental and physical health in the long run. Here’s why:
Wanting to be loved and needed by others all the time means you are suppressing lots of feelings and emotions, whilst portraying this ‘perfect, helpful ideal’. Emotions we all experience from time to time – anger, resentment, grief, stress, frustration. You may not be aware of this consciously, but deep down in your unconscious lies the programming which is compelling you to meet the needs of others and ultimately it will make you sick.
Every human being needs to have their needs met in order to thrive. If you are compelled to give yourself up entirely to other people and deny yourself, eventually it will catch up with you. Unless you challenge and change the unconscious programming.
Chronic stress is the price a people pleaser will pay for maintaining this ‘saintly self-image’. As with all self esteem related issues, ultimately a people pleaser is attempting to stay in control of a situation. The underlying emotion driving their behaviour is ‘fear’. They are continuously attempting to stay in control, to be safe, to not be rejected. Again this is not conscious behaviour. Deep down they feel powerless, worthless.
This compulsive behaviour leads to abuse. Narcissists, bullies and other types of wounded people are drawn to them. Having unhealthy boundaries, low self-esteem and this addictive desire to please makes such individuals the perfect “use and abuse” target. Subconsciously, they like feeling needed and wanted, it feels like a familiar pattern, so they perpetuate this toxic cycle.
The ultimate fear of all human beings is rejection. People pleasers keep so much locked inside of themselves because of the fear of disapproval. They unconsciously feel that if they reveal their true self, others will not like them and they will be rejected. So people pleasers keep their true feelings and thoughts to themselves. Ultimately, this can leave them feeling even more lonely and disconnected.
How can we break this cycle of people pleasing?
Understand that you have a choice. You can take responsibility for your own happiness. Infact, you are the only one who can.
Accept that these powerful ‘false’ unconscious programs were imposed on you, it was not your fault. Understand too that you can change them and install healthy, balanced programs which support you in having your needs met too.
Access professional help to learn how to grow your self-esteem and build your inner praise muscle.
Know that you do not need to change WHO you are, because simply by virtue of the fact that you are alive and on the planet, you have worth . Instead you need to choose to change HOW you are living and being, so more of your true inner worth can shine out into the world.